Reflection: Hunger

Hunger has been a theme in a couple of my classes this week. "What are you hungry for?" "What drives you?" "What do you want to be known for?"

I want to be known for being purposive. For having the kind of determination that lets nothing stand in the way of accomplishing everything I set my mind to. I would also want to be known for being loving. In a world so full of hate and anger, I want to be remembered as a person with an endless amount of love. I want to inspire.  

When I think about what I am hungry for and what drives me, the one thing that resonates the most with me is the desire to find direction. To find a purpose. For quite a few years, I knew I wanted to move to San Diego. I wanted to live in the beautiful city of sunshine and beaches. I wasn't sure what I wanted for myself in the future, I just knew that I wanted it in San Diego. That became a reality in August of last year when I finally made the move. But I got here and then was like, "Now what?".  I had to work to survive, so I took an administrative job at a university and left the familiar world of banking I had been in for 12 years. Although I am SO grateful to have employment, and reap many benefits of working where I do (a gym, a pool, 5 minutes from the beach and hiking trails, a flexible schedule, working with two of my best friends), I don't feel any satisfaction from my actual job. Even among the things I've learned in the year I've been here, I know that this is not for me.

Since I was new to the city, I also signed up as a ride share driver. It was a great way to learn my way around (Thank you, GPS) and see parts of SD I would have never on my own. I got to meet and have many a great conversation with the myriad of people who entered my car. It was actually a lot of fun and a good experience. On my free time I would play tourist. It was all fun for a while, until one day I stopped and realized that I was missing something. I didn't have a passion. I didn't have that one thing that pushes you to be a better person. That challenging, fulfilling thing that you work at because you love it. I felt like my life was at a standstill. Enter Yoga.

From the moment I stepped back onto that mat - the same purple one I've had since the age of 19 - I knew that this was going to be a life-long path for me. I also knew teacher training was something for me. Improving my personal practice was the main reason for it. I didn't want to necessarily become a full-time instructor. But I knew that I wanted to share this with the people around me. Yoga has changed my life and made me a kinder and better person, I want others to feel that way, too. In order to feel confident doing that, I need to learn this thing inside and out.

Fast forward to now. Have I found that direction? Yup. Have I found that purpose? You betcha. Have I found that passion? Absolutely. But what do I do with it? Where is it taking me? The more questions I answer, the more questions I have. Maybe that's the point. Yoga is a never-ending journey, at least in my opinion. Has anyone ever actually reached enlightenment? Has anyone ever mastered every posture? Who knows? And if they did, what did they do after that? Maybe the point is to continue being hungry for more. Forever learning. Forever improving. Forever moving forward.