Last night was my second night adjusting and assisting in a yoga class at the studio. Was a little nervous at first, touching a bunch of people I don't know in a candlelit room is a little intimidating! But I learned quite a bit. Got some great feedback from some of the girls I knew that took the class. I went into class last night feeling really off. I've had a lot of things on my mind lately, with work, money, friends, family... I felt my energy was off. And was worried that I would transfer that to the people around me. After a few deep breaths, I focused on the fellow yogis and it all went okay. Takes a lot out of you, to teach and assist in a yoga class. Not only are you giving a lot of yourself physically, bending over, massaging, adjusting, walking around, etc. But emotionally and mentally. You have to be completely present. There for them. And they give a lot to you. You can actually feel what they're feeling. Sometimes you can feel how happy they are, and other times you feel the heaviness in the energy they give you. After class I asked the teacher how she deals with having a bad day and going into class to teach. She always seems so calm and collected and her energy is always so positive and strong. I told her I was feeling shitty before class started. She simply said "I was having one of those, too. You find that connection to them." I think that is what happened. Once I was in the studio, watching all these beautiful souls in one room moving and breathing and being present, nothing else mattered.
Then I woke up this morning feeling totally under the weather. I am not sure if it was simply fatigue. I didn't even make it to work. Slept a good part of the morning. Mentally and physically I felt like I had been hit by a truck. So just about an hour ago, I thought I would try a little yoga. Always makes you feel better, right? Started with the usual Sun Salutations, warmed up my spine. Felt confident hopping up into a couple of handstands. And then, the frustration began. I couldn't hold a single inversion after that. Tried to get a chin stand (something that totally scares me and I am not strong enough for) and I felt totally weak. Anything I tried I felt totally off. The ground and the wall seemed too real. I had psyched myself out. Tried breathing and focusing but it wasn't there. Finally, I just broke down and cried.
I had set up my camera to catch a few inversions, but instead caught a different moment. Through my practice, I have been able to feel a joy and gratitude I hadn't felt before. But opening your heart also comes with the price of feeling vulnerable. This isn't something I'm particularly comfortable with. Being more sensitive to negative energy and having to confront feelings you may have been suppressing. I was really good at holding things in before. That wasn't a good thing. It's a learning process, to take the bad with the good. Some days I just want to cry. Some days I just want to be left alone. I share this with you, not for sympathy. I share this because I want you to know that no matter what, it is okay to be a little vulnerable. It is okay if you feel like shit. Some days are just going to suck. But it's only temporary.
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